Three months missing Sullivan

by thethoeles

Today we should be celebrating our dearest first born’s 3 month birthday, instead I’m still in my pajamas (at 3:15pm)-not having been able to attend work, with a wet face and a giant hole in my heart.  I have especially thought today about how this could have happened.  How could this be our life?  How did we get to this horrible place?  Where was our God?  How could He have done this to two really great people who wanted a child so badly?  These days questions seem pointless. There are no answers so what’s the point in wasting time asking them?

I also have spent a lot of today thinking about what Sullivan would look like at 3 months old.  Although he was born early at 34 weeks, he weighed in at 6 lbs 6.5 ounces and 22 inches long – he was going to be a big strong kid.  By this time he would start to look more like a real baby and not a tiny infant.  We would hear things like, “Oh he has Kris’ eyes” or “He smiles just like his Mom did as a baby.”  But now we’ll never know and I hate that.

Grief is exhausting.  Kris and I both believe in the strategy of ‘Fake it ’til you make it’ but sometimes, especially on days like today, we don’t have the energy.  On days like today, I am consumed with sadness and hopelessness.  One of our therapists told us early on after we lost Sullivan to feel free to just feel what were feeling and don’t feel guilty about it.  It’s not that I feel guilty about the deep sorry and depression for “living” life without Sullivan, but instead I feel like I’m drowning/crumbling/suffocating and that makes things worse sometimes.  So I feel torn – do I ‘fake it’ and ignore my sad feelings or do I  feel exactly what I’m feeling and know that my day is ruined?

During my pregnancy, I was the happiest I’d ever been.  It’s no secret that I’ve been on antidepressants since I was about 18 years old but when I was pregnant with Sullivan I immediately wanted to go off of them.  I woke up happy and went to bed happy.  I had never felt more alive.  I felt beautiful with Sullivan inside of me and I wasn’t ashamed of the weight that I put on because I felt SO great.  Today, I am so thankful for those short 8 months with Sullivan.