No one can measure a life…

by thethoeles

You can’t measure the life of someone by the size of his casket.

Kris and I were fortunate enough to have my parents plan and organize Sullivan’s burial and funeral services.  We didn’t have to sit in a funeral home and pick out the “right” casket for Sullivan, the proper flowers, readings and songs for the service that reflected the meaning of our first born’s short life with us.  It was all taken care of- thank God.

Sullivan’s life was far more than the size of his 2 foot casket, however…

Again, as many people know and have joked about (led by myself, of course) I experienced a pretty scary thing in 2002.  I had my right ovary removed because I had a VOLLEYBALL sized cyst removed from my contorted ovary.  It was one of the scariest experiences of my life.  Since the surgery, I have been so nervous about my own fertility.  I figured my odds of conceiving were 50% less than women with 2 healthy ovaries.   My doctor, my angel, Dr. Taylor, however would assure me  after every annual visit that I would have no trouble having a healthy baby.  My left (and remaining) ovary would take over the responsibility of two- which it did.

You see, conceiving Sullivan was far more than just “deciding” to start a family.  Kris knew of my worries.  Kris and I married in November 2009 and for me, getting pregnant wasn’t soon enough.  I wanted to be one of those couples that got pregnant on their honeymoon.  This more or less occurred.  Kris and I were headed to a friend’s wedding reception in January when I complained of cramps to the point where I was pretty sure I was losing my remaining ovary.  After Kris had rushed to me to the ER in St. Louis Park and called my parents to advise of likely upcoming surgery, the ER doctor advised us that we were pregnant.  We had not been far along at all…maybe like 3-4 weeks but it was safe to go home and rest.  We were sent home (this was a Friday night) and advised to check in with my OBGYN on Monday for further testing.  Testing on that Monday confirmed that we were losing our baby.  We miscarried.  It was tragic but we still had hope.

In June of 2010, after not conceiving again for 4 months, I panicked and made an appointment with Dr. Taylor to have my remaining fallopian tube cleared to see if there was any blockage.  Too much information, but before my appointment I needed to have a period.  The appointment came and I had no period.  I called the nurse to advise that I was late and that I’d needed to reschedule the appointment.  The kind nurse asked if I had taken a pregnancy test…of course not…I can’t be pregnant, I thought.  I took a test immediately after getting off the phone and it was positive!!  POSITIVE…we were having a baby!!!

Please understand that Sullivan has been a part of my life since that summer of 2002 when I assumed that I couldn’t have children.  He’s far more than that tiny casket that held our hopes and dreams.  Sullivan was our miracle baby…sent from heaven.  He still is, except now he’s in heaven and we’re reflecting on the meaning of his tragically short life.